London – Day 8 of lockdown

[Warning: Grumpy rant]

I woke up in a frigging grumpy shitty mood. I was about to say an unreasonably shitty mood, but I don’t think there’s anything unreasonable about it. It’s lasted all day.

It’s not about anyone. It’s not about any one thing. It’s about this new frigging reality, this new ‘normal’ that I despise. I hate the fact that I have friends of friends dying and I can’t give my friend a hug. I hate the fact that I can’t get back to Australia to see family and friends. I hate the fact I can’t go for random multiple walks a day. I hate the fact I can’t travel to see my friends in London, in the UK, on mainland Europe. I hate the fact that we’re in the middle of an international frigging pandemic. I hate the fact people are dying and the numbers of those infected and dying keep rising.  I’ve been looking at the John Hopkins Covid Tracker for what seems like years, since the numbers were well below 100k, now growing at a terrifying rate.

I want to scream and shout and throw a temper tantrum like a grumpy two year old.

I have an idea…we must do regular clapping and cheering for the fabulous work being done by folks in health and care. We also must clap for the garbage collectors, the bus drivers, the tube drivers, everyone involved in supply chains which means we can eat and survive, people working in supermarkets and pharmacies, the delivery drivers, the Black Cab drivers, the Uber drivers, the quickly set up community groups that mean there’s local support, those working in foodbanks, all those volunteers, and I’m sure there are so many I’m missing in this list – all of those that keep the country alive. And this is important to do. As well as staying home, keeping our distance, so as to not make their lives more difficult.

I also think we need a collective time, a different time, when we can all shout and scream and throw a temper tantrum. At the world. At the situation we find ourselves in. Certainly not at each other.

I have chosen today not to look at all the articles and blogs about self-improvement – time to learn a language, time to write a book, time for home improvements, time for a fitness kick, how to be more productive. Just sod off.

And I’m feeling like this? I recognise how fortunate I am. I’m in a safe environment. I have people looking out for me and people I’m looking out for. And the sort of stress so many are under… so many news articles I can’t read. So many who have lost their jobs and have to worry about having a roof over their heads, about being able to buy food. So many who are not in safe environments. So many who are having to fully hide away from the world for months because of age and/or health conditions. So many who are terrified at what the future will bring. So many who have already lost friends and family.

This is just shit.

I strongly suspect I’ll be in a different mood tomorrow. Perhaps more focused. Perhaps more able to look out at the world – pay attention to birdsong, embrace the relative silence of London and the much reduced pollution, perhaps start reading a good book, perhaps even get back to learning Chinese that I started at the beginning of the year.

I went for my hour walk as exercise. I went to buy some essentials – I’m limiting my trips to shops. The woman at the checkout didn’t believe I was in a disgusting mood. I try not to share such moods. I bought some sausages and ketchup for a neighbour, I ask when I go out shopping in case there’s something they hadn’t planned for. They’ve put me on their milk delivery. I had a rant. Not at them. They’re very understanding.

I’m giving myself time to be furious. And sad. And angry. I know that saying I ‘shouldn’t’ feel this way, that ‘it will all be fine’ will be a con that means I carry these feelings for days. I don’t want that.

Here’s to having a good rant. There will be more. Perhaps it’s something about Day 8 of lockdown.

So that’s it for Day 8.  Stay safe, stay well, and stay home!