It’s in these strange times that my emotions keep catching me out. The trigger can be a thought, something I read or watch.
It’s been a good day. There’s been dancing, bad singing, work, coffee, a few phone calls, lunch, a chat to neighbours, a walk in Dulwich Park, more coffee, more work. An article I wrote on housing policy post Covid-19 got published. I am bouncing off walls a little and I can’t blame coffee for that. That explains the dancing and singing. Like half the world, I’m feeling cooped up with energy to burn.
The trigger today was an article in The Guardian. Dr Anna Brown, an Ealing GP, has lost 125 of her patients in care homes over the last month, roughly 100 more than in a ‘normal’ month. It’s not just her grief of the loss of so many. She’s angry. She gave early warnings to health authorities about the risks of Coronavirus to care home residents. Residents were discharged from hospitals without being tested. Social care, and care homes, have chronic understaffing issues largely due to decades of inadequate funding. Many staff are off sick with the virus. There’s little or no appropriate PPE. Where do you even begin with how wrong this is?
And while the numbers seem to be flattening a little in hospitals, in care homes, it’s just getting worse.
It hit me like a sucker punch. I felt sick at the thought of the fear, the sadness, the shock, of other residents, families, friends, the staff. I can only imagine the trauma of the staff in not being able to give residents the level of care they would normally and provide the safe environment that residents deserve.
Sitting under all of this is a sense of righteous fucking fury. I’m angry. We should all be angry. This is just wrong.
And I’ve learned a lot through practicing mindfulness. I do know there is a time when anger is the only appropriate response. Also walking around saying ‘This is all shit’ is an appropriate response. To not be angry is to not be human.
So I have this challenge of holding these emotions at the same time – of on the whole feeling good, dealing with everything that lockdown means, keeping it together well in dealing with this solo, having laughs with others and laughing at bad youtube clips about living in lockdown, and even making new friends; and the anger, fury and sadness at all the shit that this pandemic, and its handling, brings.
I’m grateful for a dear friend who must spend much of her life in this space in working in human rights. It’s not something I could do.
Holding these emotions at the same time is something I’m slowly getting used to.
And then there’s the ‘nice’ stuff. I found out minutes before posting this that someone I know, he and has partner have just had their first child. Brilliant news and someone I wish the best for. And soon I’m off down a few doors to have a glass of wine with a neighbour – obviously I’ll be taking my own glass of wine and will chat from the footpath at an appropriate distance.
Strange days indeed.
So that’s it for Day 30. Stay safe, stay well, and stay home!