Today has been a day of strange reflection.
Time continues to pass in bendy stretchy ways. Days are flying by. It’s Friday though that has little meaning in these strange times.
The markers of the days no longer exist in the same way. There’s no Saturday morning parkrun. In ‘normal’ times, I’d get up early, get to the gym, and then walk to Dulwich Park to have coffee with some of the parkrunners I know. I’d go to at least one event during the week in central London – hearing about all manner of things I find interesting and can write about in a professional context.
I’m getting into the groove of lockdown. I have a very rough routine. My allotted exercise is one walk a day, for anywhere between an hour to an hour and a half. I’ve only missed one day of during this since lockdown, due to being in too miserable a state.
It’s not enough. I’m bouncing off walls, dancing about in my flat, anything to just keep moving. It is what it is and I consider myself lucky to not be one of the many who are confined, because of age, health conditions, or whole households because someone is high risk, or others are ill.
There’s a stillness and quietness I’m getting used to. There are things I stop for and notice in a way I never did before with my mind always busy. The play of light on my bathroom wall, hearing a bird and then spending some time to see if I can spot it. I’m getting used to having moments of loneliness that I’ve not experienced before.
The things I used to have choices about, I now have no choice. There are no events to travel to. There is no possibility at present of getting to Australia to see my family. There are no coulds or shoulds that used to take up a huge amount of headspace.
I’m at a place I never considered I’d be with lockdown. In some ways, I’m finding it liberating in terms of my headspace. I’ve let go of all the things I need to ‘achieve’. In letting go, I seem to be getting more done.
Tomorrow I may well view it differently and be pissed off and angry at the situation I’m in. I’m taking it very much day by day and getting used to random changes of mood.
Having said that, this is not liberation, this is not all about being zen or some such shit. I will continue to get angry at some of the handling of this situation, including the political choices that have been made. There were always going to be screw ups. No government has gotten this right. I would like acknowledgement of where mistakes have been made. That’s the only way we can learn and get accountability.
I will continue to be pissed off that we took so long to enter lockdown, and what a frigging relief it was when it was announced all those weeks ago.
I will continue to be pissed off at what’s happening to the most vulnerable, the increase in domestic violence, the terrifying number of deaths in care homes, at home and in hospitals. These are things that while I have no control over them, there is a need for anger and fury and shouting at the world, and then turning that into something targeted and productive, though I don’t know what this is yet. There are times when the only appropriate response is anger and not forgetting.
Another 684 deaths bringing the total to 19,506 since 5pm yesterday, though only accounting for hospital deaths. The peak is by ‘no means over’. There’s no clear timeframe for establishing when lockdown in the UK will end, or at least some easing of the current restrictions. Some easing of lockdown is happening on mainland Europe. Children in Spain will be allowed out for the first time in 6 weeks. The restrictions here have not been nearly as tight.
Tonight I will drink some wine, watch some episodes of Buffy, eat some food, and then sleep.
So that’s it for Day 32. Stay safe, stay well, and stay home!